GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
POST #4. [06.08.26]:
FULL TEXT [POST #4]:
THE I-95 THESES
Part 1 (Theses 1-15)
“Out of love for the truth & the desire to bring it to light, the following propositions will be discussed at 100 Steps, in the park of Wissahickon, [do] attended by anyone who feels like it, whenever they feel like it. Those unable to be present & debate orally may do so by [Reddit, prob].”
In the Name of Gritty. Go Birds.
1.) Our Lord, The Philly Phanatic, when He said [unhinged tongue motions], willed that the potholes on ALL our streets should be repaired.
2.) THE PPA OVERZEALOUSLY PREACHES DOCTRINES WHICH SAY:
“AS SOON AS A COIN IN THE COFFER RINGS,
A PPA BOOT FROM YOUR TIRE SPRINGS!”
3.) PECO needs to get it together and stop proposing rate hikes.
4.) The only kind of hike we should accept is in the Wissahickon.
5.) I would bet all of my quarters that The City would support building an arena in the middle of Wissahickon Creek if 1 billionaire wanted it.
6.) We should build a data center in the middle of Rittenhouse Square.
7.) #6 was a joke. This is an example of my sarcastic side.
8.) “jk…. unless…..?”: [City gov’t prob, when 1 billionaire says #6 isn’t such a bad idea.]
9.) CARS WITH EXPIRED INSPECTION STICKERS WHICH ARE OTHERWISE LEGALLY PARKED SHOULD NOT BE TICKETED BY THE PPA. IT’S ONEROUS. AUDACIOUS. OUTRAGEOUS.
10.) IF THE PPD COULD CRACK DOWN ON RECKLESS DRIVERS AS EFFECTIVELY AS THE PPA CRACKS DOWN ON MOTIONLESS PARKED CARS, OUR STREETS WOULD BE WAY SAFER.
11.) I, FOR ONE, WOULD LIKE TO PUNT THE DELIVERY ROBOTS. They are not cute. They are soulless tripping-hazard corporate panopticon minions displacing human jobs & connection.
REMEMBER HITCHBOT.
12.) Thank you for fixing that 1 pothole on my street. Credit where credit is due. We appreciate it. Now do North / South / West / the rest of Philly.
13.) Be kind to people. Don’t judge. Take a deep breath. It’s hard out here. Help someone out. If you can afford it, buy a meal for a hungry person. Tip a street musician. Converse with [willing] strangers. Drive responsibly. Serve the community. PROTECT THE VULNERABLE.
14.) Don’t take any schist from anyone.
15.) The Action News theme song is a certified banger. I propose it be our Philly National Anthem.
GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT,
THE WISSAHICKON SCHISTPOSTER
[worry not –
this poster shall not become litter
it shall be retrieved
copy [x] of 6]
[06.08.26]
POST #3. [06.01.26]:
FULL TEXT [POST #3]:
“A Walk Along The Wissahickon”
by The Wissahickon Schistposter
A walk along the Wissahickon always clears my head.
The words its waters whisper fill the space where once was dread.
But if you’re much too busy, and you leave this Creek on read,
Then AI’s here to summarize, and tell you what was said.
Once upon a hike, I checked my phone ‘til it was dead.
Nowhere else to look, my eyes met hers, and now we’re wed.
But if your eyes stay married to that screen you keep well-fed,
Then AI’s here to summarize, and be your friend instead.
[pause for 30 second unskippable ad]
If here raged a battlefield, like centuries gone by,
Soldiers wouldn’t glimpse the whites of any human eye.
But the bombs are plenty, hiding safely in the sky,
And AI’s here to summarize, to choose who’ll live & die.
Life can be confusing, and the struggle’s all too real.
Do we have our rights if they’re so easy to repeal?
If we toe the lines we know, since thinking’s an ordeal,
Then AI’s here to summarize, and tell us how to feel.
Some may say I’ve lost the plot – but who’s the author, ayyy?
Worse yet, some think I’m a bot, since who would write this way?
Well if we can’t trust human thoughts, then how we’ve gone astray….
For AI’s here to summarize, but it has nil to say.
____________________________________________________________________________
May this poem disturb the Reader in all the right ways.
This has been my third post. Buckle up for my next post.
It shall be entitled: “I-95 THESES”
Author’s Note to the Reader: I’m not actually married. I am single AF. I took some artistic liberties in stanza #2. The Reader shall have to deal with it.
“And for those who’ll take offense where none is intended, they are beneath the notice of…”
Your Humble Servant,
The Wissahickon Schistposter
GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
[worry not –
this poster shall not become litter
it shall be retrieved]
[06.01.26]
POST #2. [05.23.26]:
FULL TEXT [POST #2]:
THANK YOU
[caps lock disengaged]
The pen is mightier than the paint job! Big thanks to our community, to the Redditors, to BillyPenn & WHYY, and ultimately to CLIP for returning & restoring this site to its shimmering beauty. This is a win for all of us collectively.
When I posted the first letter, my goal was to start a conversation.
To get people to pause for a moment, look up from their phones,
connect with each other, and take more notice of the world that surrounds us.
This whole experience has brought me even closer to the community,
and resulted in new connections forged between us all. For that, I am grateful.
Surely, there are a hundred other issues to be upset about these days.
It’s just a wall being painted over, right? Perhaps… but change starts small.
It starts local. It starts with anyone willing to speak up.
Let this be proof that your voice holds power.
Draw your own conclusions, and apply this how you will.
And importantly:
Friends, let us not harbor any resentment or ill-will for the worker who painted the absolute SCHIST out of this wall. It was done not out of vigilantism, but rather ignorance & haste. It’s all good, bud. I forgive you. Everybody love everybody. Just please be more mindful with The Slathering in the future. And if I may say… Your particular talents for covering up things which should not be covered up
would likely be in high demand with the federal government right now.
That’s all I have to say about that. However, as you can see, I still have room.
GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
[ok look… i know the PPA does SOME good work [uh oh the caps are returning]
like ofc we gotta keep the streets functional & safe for the community…
but I’m talking about THE WAY y’all are ALWAYS SO FAR UP OUR TAILPIPES
with AN AGGRESSION and AN IMMEDIACY coupled with
A HAUNTING OMNIPRESENCE
that begs the question [if I may hazard a suggestion]....]
COULD THIS CITY PLEASE CHANNEL THIS CALIBER OF COMPETENCE TOWARDS OUR SHARED POTHOLE SITUATION? HMM?
Could we dare to imagine a Philly
in which this AGGRESSION could instead be focused on fixing
the innumerable CRATERS, SINKHOLES, & RAVINES that befoul our streets?
Instead of demonstrating RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY in
TICKETING SAFELY PARKED CARS WITH EXPIRED INSPECTION STICKERS, perhaps we could
REMEDY THE POTHOLES WHICH INFLICT SOME OF THE VERY SAME DAMAGES THAT MAKE IT EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT TO AFFORD THE REPAIRS NECESSARY TO REMAIN IN COMPLIANCE WITH INSPECTION REQUIREMENTS?
IF WE MUST PAY FOR YEARLY INSPECTIONS TO CERTIFY
THAT EVERY ASPECT OF OUR SUSPENSIONS ARE IN TIP-TOP SHAPE,
MIGHT I PETITION THAT THE STREETS UPON WHICH WE DRIVE
OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO PASS AN INSPECTION OF THEIR OWN?
I HAVE A THEORY.
I SUSPECT THE UBIQUITY OF POTHOLES (& LACK OF URGENCY IN REPAIRING THEM) MIGHT BE DUE TO THE FOLLOWING REASONS:
1.) POTHOLES ARE EFFECTIVELY FREE SPEEDBUMPS.
2.) EVERY BROKEN RIM / TIRE / SUSPENSION MEANS MORE ECONOMIC ACTIVITY IN REPAIRS, THEREFORE MORE TAX REVENUE (obvi not any fault of local repair shops, we support u, thank y’all for being out here, fr).
3.) EVERY CAR THAT CANNOT AFFORD THE REPAIRS TO MEET TIP-TOP INSPECTION REQUIREMENTS (& CANNOT AFFORD TO PARK IN A GARAGE) MEANS ANOTHER $40+ TICKET [DAILY] FOR THE PPA.
IT’S CRUDE. EGREGIOUS. OUTRAGEOUS.
YOU GOT ME MONOLOGUING AGAIN.
OK I’M DONE FOR NOW. I THINK I NEED TO CHILL.
MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS GETTING HIGHER THAN THE PRICE OF GAS
AND I DON’T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME, YET AGAIN, TO READ
THE RAVINGS OF A WISSAHICKON SCHISTPOSTER.
TO MY FELLOW PHILADELPHIANS:
MAY YOUR WHEELS BE ALWAYS ON THE ROAD,
AND MAY YOUR CARS BE ALWAYS ON THE WHEELS.
GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
and F*** A.I. (not you, Allen Iverson)
[05.23.26]
POST #1. [05.16.26]:
FULL TEXT [POST #1]:
WHO TF PAINTED OVER THIS ENTIRE STONE WALL?
WHAT TF WERE YOU THINKING?
WOULD YOU ALSO THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER?
IF SOMEONE CARVES THEIR NAME INTO THE BARK,
WOULD YOU ALSO THEN CHOP DOWN THE WHOLE TREE?
THIS WALL IS HISTORIC & BEAUTIFUL. WELL OVER A CENTURY OLD.
MADE WITH LOCAL STONE FOUND NOWHERE ELSE ON EARTH.
STONES THAT GLIMMER LIKE SILVER.
THE PRODUCT OF MILLIONS OF YEARS OF UNIQUE WISSAHICKON GEOLOGY.
AND IN 1 NIGHT YOU DECIDED TO SMOTHER IT WITH FLAT GRAY PAINT.
LIKE ANY OTHER BORING CORPORATE-FUNDED WALL IN THE CITY.
WITHOUT CONSULTING ANYONE, YOU MADE A DECISION FOR EVERYONE THAT NOW NO ONE GETS TO ENJOY THIS SPOT IN THE SAME WAY.
AND FOR WHAT? BECAUSE OF A LITTLE GRAFFITI IN A FEW SPOTS
THAT COULD’VE JUST BEEN POWERWASHED OR TREATED? COME ON.
FOR MANY DECADES I, LIKE COUNTLESS OTHERS, HAVE WALKED THIS PARK.
I RECALL FEELING WONDER AS A CHILD, WALKING HERE WITH MY PARENTS
SEEING THE FLOWING WATER & SPARKLING STONES. AN OASIS OF NATURE.
THE RAREST OF PLACES IN A CITY AS HUGE AS PHILLY.
AND NOW, SOME DAY, WHEN I WALK HERE WITH MY CHILDREN,
SHALL I SHOW THEM THIS GRAY WALL?
WILL THEY STARE IN WONDER AT YOUR PAINT JOB?
WILL THEY THANK YOU FOR DROWNING OUT A FEW REMOVABLE DOODLES?
OR WILL THEY BE DEPRIVED OF YET 1 MORE NATURAL SIGHT
FOR THE SAKE OF SOME MISGUIDED ATTEMPT AT SANITIZING THE WORLD?
IF YOU HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THIS PARK & THIS COMMUNITY,
WE URGE YOU TO RETURN & POWERWASH THIS ENTIRE WALL CLEAN,
OR HELP HIRE PROFESSIONALS TO DO SO.
I’D WRITE MORE, BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, I’VE RUN OUT OF ROOM.
GO BIRDS, F*** THE PPA.
[05.16.26]
wissahickonschistposter@gmail.com
100 STEPS, THE WISSAHICKON, PHILLY, USA, EARTH
THE WISSAHICKON SCHISTPOSTER 